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Two Years of Celibacy: Transforming My Relationship with Pleasure


graphic vulva


It's a hot topic these days, with women all over the world choosing to go through extended periods of conscious celibacy. Bumble's recently failed campaign "Because celibacy is never the answer" sparked well deserved backlash in our current climate. Women are palpably fed up with ads telling them what to do with their bodies. I think today’s movement of women taking ownership of their bodies, like Emily Ratajkowski in her book My Body, is something worth watching. I am, myself, finding the cracks in the shackles of imposed sexualization into the light of sexual empowerment.


My devotion to rediscovering pleasure brought my thoughts far and often to the generations of women who came before me. Next to them the women today, who like me, feel called to celibacy. Feminism in the sixties and seventies resulted in sexual freedom for women like there has always (quietly or loudly) been for men. My thoughts are that today's celibacy movement might have some connections in the so called "micro" feminism movement. As a modern millennial woman I am very aware we are today, still living in a patriarchal system with it’s claws in my sexual programming.


If you ask google for the meaning of “manly” there are several heroic, bold and bravely described adjectives by Oxford Languages. Ask yourself: if I'd ask kids how they would describe a super hero I'd bet you nine out of ten adjectives would have been attributed to define manly. Ask Google what we mean by “womanly” and the uninspired nearly bored effort of three words under which feminine are at it's best, the bare minimum.


For those thinking what does this have to do with sex? Well the inequality effects pleasure for women on many (un)conscious layers. Equality is the base of a symbiotic pleasure like sex.


The freedom our feminist sisters in the sixties where fighting for gave us the right to an opinion, educate ourselves and vote. Sadly it has also backlashed into either slut shaming or an even fuller plate then before with minor credit. While they might have temporarily freed our boobies and nipples, they are back where they belong when it comes to men. On adult sites for them to enjoy whenever they feel like it. Whether it's porn or romantic movies, sex on screen is usually all about the male gaze and his pleasure. The quiet yet powerful movement of celibacy, might actually be a movement of women deepening their relationship with themselves outside of the status quo. Because if the status quo isn't serving us the way it's serving men, we should get curious and experiment with the feminine adjectives within pleasure.


Although an experiment sounds exiting, the initial start of my journey wasn't driven by curiosity. Dedicating myself to my healing journey naturally led to it.. Setting boundaries, boosting my self-worth, and healing past trauma became the strongest filters for cutting out the bullshit. Making choices that serve my peace and energy has been transformative. Motherhood had raised my worth even though society might label single mothers as a disadvantaged in love. Interestingly this is commonly not the case when we look at a single dad. He on the other hand, might even found an extra likability.


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From a micro feminist perspective back to the reevaluation of sex and pleasure. Sex is an exchange of energy that I no longer take lightly. Independent motherhood pushed me into my first, solo (adult) house. I set the tone, create the mood and all of that without compensation. I really learn to feel the effects of my ideal comfort and relaxation. My home is my sanctuary, just like my body and I don't want (nor have the time) to be weighed down by someone who isn't ready to match me on where I'm at. And it has nothing to do with nobody being good enough, because that is in not at all what this article is about. Men are stupid, stay away. No, the clue is more how spending time with myself created awareness. Healthy boundaries stem from a deep understanding of yourself the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.


The whole motivation behind celibacy is quite the opposite of depriving men from my sexuality. I don't think this is the case for any women who joined the micro movement. For me the epiphany of it all is how undeniably rare and therefore special a true physical and spiritual connection is and how collectively unready we are to nurture a connection like this. The women on their either conscious or unconscious quest of female sexual empowerment might be tomorrows tantra healers, pleasure feminists or goddesses in the bedroom. Who knows. Or it's just the glorification of a pleasure detox. But any of these options are worth the effort looking back on my personal progress.


Nearly two years of celibacy

Just to name a few lessons that have added value:


1. My self-worth depends on me and only me.

It's the simplest quotes that are annoyingly the hardest. Thankfully coming of age was already a catalyst of this revelation, but spending so much undisturbed time with myself gave it power. Al this time draped a silk layer of magic on my self love like the cherry on my whipped cream celibacy cake.


2. Pleasure can be found in unexpected places.

Finding joy in The Tiny things has been a training of mindfulness. Laying in the grass, staring at a sunset, cooking lavish meals just for myself. In my twenties pleasure was like a drug and something to get fixated on. Like a pleasure junky I was always looking for the next thing or party to forward to. Probably to escape the then present I didn't want to be in. The downside of putting pleasure on such a pedestal must be that how higher the high, how lower the low. Pleasure to me now is such a Tiny yet constant threads of glimmer in my existence. Only when you zoom out you see how all together those tiny glimmers add essential light to my cloak of being.


3. Healthy boundaries won't keep me from what’s meant for me.

I like to believe that my healing process acts as a natural and real life filter. Keeping away what doesn’t belong. Short and sweet and yes, again boundaries. Just imagine if those boundaries based on self love and understanding, actually work the way they do online but then in real life.


All my love to the women intuitively choosing their own path where ever it leads. Let's celebrate women taking control over their own bodies, morals and exploring new territories. Hear them all. Because looking back at our female ancestors, we are among the first generation with the right and possibilities to discover feminine sexuality or celibacy. It's in the name of female evolution in pleasure this research is done freely and from all perspectives.

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